Closure

Looking back, I finally made a huge connection regarding the feelings I used to struggle with. I thought that I was unable to move past a romantic relationship, but I was wrong. That wasn't what I struggled with at all. Today, I finally realized something: I haven't been lovelorn; I've been friendless.
I haven't been pining for Aurora's love; I've been missing our friendship. We were really good friends -- we talked about everything and had a vested interest in what was happening in each others' lives. We had fun and got serious and shared happy and sad moments. We developed a really deep friendship that eventually blossomed into love.
Over time that love became overgrown and decayed, to the point where it was healthiest to cut it away. I always thought that the pain I've been carrying for so long is unrequited love, or something equally silly; a feeling of affection that refused to be displaced, an emotion that I beat myself up for continually harboring; something I would have literally cut out of my chest, if I could. But today I realized that what I've been missing isn't our love, or anything of that kind -- it was our friendship. It was talking about each others' lives; understanding one another, and being involved in what happens. I've been missing my best friend, and in my confusion mistakenly assumed I missed the girlfriend that came along later.
It makes sense looking back. When things first started to fall apart the emotional burden I've been carrying started to form. It crystallized under the feelings I had when i felt like I didn't know her anymore; when she was doing things I didn't understand and she wasn't interested in telling me about; when I felt like she didn't particularly want me around anymore. This almost physical illness was a symptom of losing my best friend. Yes, there were times I missed my "girlfriend" but I think I would've weathered things better if I'd had another friend who I was similarly connected with on an emotional level.
Radiohead's House of Cards says, "I don't wanna be your friend; I just wanna be your lover" but that couldn't be further from the truth. What I've been missing in my life are close friends who are as interested in me as I am in them. And now that I realize what I've been missing -- and what I want -- I feel so much lighter inside. The heaviest burden I've ever born has been misidentified this entire time; and now I know what I've been dying from in past days.
I'm free from the mystery; at liberty to pursue friendships and bonds without a pall hanging over me.
Now I know what I want, and I understand myself -- myself years ago, myself in recent days, and myself today -- all the better.
These are all things of the past, but understanding my past will help me shape a better future. I don't have to bear guilt, or be frustrated with myself anymore. I don't have to wonder at what I've felt in the past, and I know what to look out for in the present. By understanding where I was, I can now see more clearly the path I took to where I am. And by understanding the path I took, I can see the kind of man I was, and where I need to change (and maybe where I ought to stay the same). Most of all, I can love myself in a way that I denied myself before, because there is a part of me that I have discovered; and this new sensation of being complete thrills me. To know oneself is an honorable aspiration, and though I don't know everything, I believe that things will only continue to grow brighter.