Rediscovery and Reinvention

I commented on a picture a few days ago, "I suppose I never left the "reinvent me" phase," or something to that effect. It's true. I can't stop thinking about the way I work, and how I interact with others. Am I egotistical, obsessed with myself? Or am I vulnerable, just searching for weak points to protect? I don't know, and sometimes it concerns me. I have a lot of interest in the way I work, but I don't know why. I analyze and analyze and analyze and I've never given too much thought to why -- maybe that's a bit too meta. But I'm worried about it.

The silver lining is that in person, I spend less time figuring myself out and more effort trying to connect with people and learn from them. It's only when I write and try to express myself that I seem so one-sidedly obsessed with myself. 

And, oddly enough, I'm only interested in the messy parts of my life. I only like to analyze the present, and those past years when I repressed myself and denied myself and molded myself into things I wasn't, and never will be. I think one reason for this is that during my mission, things were clear cut, and I consistently journaled. Nowadays, not so much. I journal through tumblr and blogger and Facebook and I occasionally record truly private things in my journals. I think the reason I'm less interested in that part of my life is because it's an open book, and one that I've already written about and expounded on. I'm at peace with myself regarding that time. 

My emo years, on the other hand, are a source of insecurity, doubt, and confusion. I didn't realize how tangled they were until I started to pull the end of a string. I'm still unraveling my weaknesses and mistakes, but I get closer and closer to understand who I was, and how that affects who I am, and who I want to become. I hope that nobody I knew back then is offended or disturbed by my re-examinations and evaluations. It's nothing personal, and my feelings and struggles are not a reflection of my relationship with those persons. I'm just trying to understand every aspect of who I am, so that I can control who I will become, and so that I can honestly say I know myself. I deserve to know the answers to questions that have plagued me, and most of those questions can only be answered by an honest self-evaluation.
And those things are critical as I strive to reinvent myself. I want to find the best parts of myself, and keep them, while I purge myself of those dreaded weaknesses and protect myself against future failings that could potentially damage the people I love. I want to discover who I am, so that I can take inventory of who I am, and know what I have to work with. And then, I'll be better equipped than ever to grow into something more than I am.