One relic, in particular, taught me a powerful lesson about myself.
I need to give myself some credit. So often, I deny myself victory and reject positivities. Unworthiness, uncertainty, lingering regrets -- these were just a few of the thieves that have ravaged my past. Some, real and deserved; many, an illusion that I conjured to shield myself from being disappointed in others, or, worse, hurt by them. As a result, I've viewed a lot of my history with an overly-critical eye. I've always resisted acknowledging that other people made mistakes that hurt me --- both passively and actively. As a result, I shouldered blame for every mishap and misstep, imagining that it was a form of love and noble sacrifice(?). Lately though, I've come to see th past, present, and future with a far more mature and balanced world view.
The item that shook me with its mere presence? A yellow, prismic tube of chapstick. Flavor: Juicy Fruit. It was clearly well used; and at this point in time is older than some of my siblings. Oddly enough, despite its worn appearance, there's quite a bit of Chapstick left in the tube. Seeing this reminded me that I've done a lot of good, and that in spite of everything, I did everything I could to save a life. I've never given myself credit -- I never thought I wanted it -- but as I come to see things more clearly -- as I come to see myself more clearly -- I've realized that this is something I deserve, something that will help me be more self-assured and stable, something I've desperately needed, but denied myself out of a twisted sense of humility and self-degradation.
No longer. It's about time I gave myself some credit.
I've done a lot of good. I've been a really good friend to some people; people who I doubt even think of me as a friend, funnily enough. I listen and help and believe in people. That's just the way I am. I smile and try to be fun when I'm with friends, even though I worry about whether we're even friends the other 99% of the time, and feel insecure.
Even more, in the face of what I used to consider my biggest failures and weaknesses, I accomplished more good for a person I cared about than I could (and probably still can't really) comprehend. I have to take a moment and remind myself that in a lot of ways, I was a catalyst -- something that sparked a huge change, a monumental chain reaction that shifted a life. I smile to myself as I remember that I was there through that -- in my own, broken, limited way, I gave all I was and could be in an attempt to support. And before I slip into hypothetical scenarios, I force a smile that becomes genuine when I realize that I've been a first responder, a security blanket, a stress toy all rolled in one. For somebody who often thinks he's dreadfully normal, I've done some pretty incredible things -- things that I've never accepted nor given credit for. I've always been so hungry for validation, so desperate to be told I'm doing the right thing that when the person I staked all of that on fell away, they took all the good things I'd done with them.
But not anymore! That chapstick is a physical reminder of who I am. I am kind. I am a giver. I do good things without thanks, and I care deeply for people who may not always feel the same. I'm sensitive and passionate. I'm also a compulsive guilt seeker and I tend to shoulder blame for other's people's actions in vain attempts to protect them. I'm self-critical, and often self-deprecating. That's okay; I'm growing and I'm learning and I'm lighter and freer than ever. The more I understand how and why I am who I am, the more I'm able to guard my weaknesses and fortify my strengths.
I'm worthy of rescue, whether it's from myself, my memories, or my weaknesses. I am a good man.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uao5CImdnsE&list=PL4E784EC0770935C0&index=6
Even more, in the face of what I used to consider my biggest failures and weaknesses, I accomplished more good for a person I cared about than I could (and probably still can't really) comprehend. I have to take a moment and remind myself that in a lot of ways, I was a catalyst -- something that sparked a huge change, a monumental chain reaction that shifted a life. I smile to myself as I remember that I was there through that -- in my own, broken, limited way, I gave all I was and could be in an attempt to support. And before I slip into hypothetical scenarios, I force a smile that becomes genuine when I realize that I've been a first responder, a security blanket, a stress toy all rolled in one. For somebody who often thinks he's dreadfully normal, I've done some pretty incredible things -- things that I've never accepted nor given credit for. I've always been so hungry for validation, so desperate to be told I'm doing the right thing that when the person I staked all of that on fell away, they took all the good things I'd done with them.
But not anymore! That chapstick is a physical reminder of who I am. I am kind. I am a giver. I do good things without thanks, and I care deeply for people who may not always feel the same. I'm sensitive and passionate. I'm also a compulsive guilt seeker and I tend to shoulder blame for other's people's actions in vain attempts to protect them. I'm self-critical, and often self-deprecating. That's okay; I'm growing and I'm learning and I'm lighter and freer than ever. The more I understand how and why I am who I am, the more I'm able to guard my weaknesses and fortify my strengths.
I'm worthy of rescue, whether it's from myself, my memories, or my weaknesses. I am a good man.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uao5CImdnsE&list=PL4E784EC0770935C0&index=6
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